What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 00:18
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She loved him until the end.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
I was 9 years of age.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I have no regrets .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I think the readers, may guess!
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It was going to be , some day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im still living with it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ive learnt so much.
She married twice! .
Would this be the day?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was seconnd youngest,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I will be 64.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I write beautiful poetry .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is soul school!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Put me off passion for life!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So whats the point in blame.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i do to all so called friends.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
What did i know ?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Was to survive, this bastard.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He knew the spot.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was scared of men, in general
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My family never makes their pension either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I said to her
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot live in the past .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And i lived it daily.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Who then, do I blame.?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.